Convincing Ourselves

The idea of having healthy levels of self-esteem, self-worth, and confidence is well recognized in psychology literature. In fact, since at least the 70s there has been a lot of work done on this and for a few decades raising self-esteem and self-worth was considered pivotal in treating clients with psychological disorders, bringing up healthy children, and even success in general. The idea of 'ego strengthening', as it came to be known in hypnosis literature, was ubiquitous in almost all kinds of therapy and change. However, while going through some videos of Jordan Peterson discussing the idea of social hierarchies and going through some literature on related ideas, I begun to wonder if ego strengthening alone is enough, or perhaps have we defined it well enough. Success in a society means being on top of the social hierarchy. You are the CEO, the Politician, or were born in or married into money and power. Whatever shame or form it takes, success is being on to...

Many people go around life aimlessly. Comparing themselves to others, not knowing what the next day, month or year will bring for them. There is a sense of being unfulfilled or unhappy, often resulting in depression in the most extreme form. For most people, the reason is simple. They simply have no goals No goals for their life, no goals for their health, no goals for their profession. Without a set goal and path, we simply lack a direction and a purpose. This not only results in confusion but also anxiety and depression. One of the reasons ‘life coaching’ is so big now is because a lot of the uncertainty and anxiety that people face in everyday life has to do with not unfulfilled goals, but simply not even knowing what they really want. Having goals differentiates purposeful living from living aimlessly. It is perhaps the easiest and quickest key to overcoming paralysis, procrastination, and unhappiness and moving towards success that is personally gratifying. The quest...

Stress and Anxiety can put us in the extreme state of ‘fight or flight’ which prepares our body for short bursts of high intensity. However, the body undergoes considerable stress and therefore requires a counter state to balance and heal the body and the mind.   According to the book ‘Relaxation Response’ by the Harvard physician Herbert Benson, we can help our body relax and take it into a ‘rest and digest’ state. This helps the body and the mind manage stress. This essentially is the principal of most forms of meditation as well as prayer. One of the simplest ways to initiate a ‘Relaxation Response’ is simply to focus on one's breath for a prolonged period of time. As the mind wanders, one brings it back. For me, I can categorically feel when my body’s relaxation response is triggered. Regularly triggering a relaxation response can help overcome most of the scars caused by day to day stress and therefore help us become happier and more productive. Umair Usman ...

We daily encounter situations which are uncomfortable. It can be talking to a boss, going into a meeting and for some even getting up to take a walk. Whatever the case, anxiety provoking events are common and everywhere. For severe cases of anxiety or panic, which may be due to some form of trauma or even a deeper mental health issue, I would recommend seeing a professional, however for everyday life, there are many techniques that one can use and one of them is 'nudging' We we need it: Many situations in life make us question ourselves i.e our self concept as well as our abilities. Going into a meeting a young graduate may think that they dont belong there or they cannot contribute enough. Similarly a new CEO may wonder if they have what it takes or even if they are meant to run a company. Such self doubt is common and is often accompanied by even questioning ones role or position in particular situation. However often these are situations one can either not avoid, or p...

The Scam: Ah, law of attraction and other similar self help scams. So common now on the internet and the self help section of any book store. They have tonnes of money by playing on people's emotions. Tell people its easy and they will buy it! This is the same trick used by fitness product promoters and TV commercials and it has worked well for decades. As soon as you find out that this is not the 'answer to everything', you start seeking the next 'quick or easy fix''. Its a dirty trick and plays on our search for easy answers, the magic pills, and the easy answers. They say losing weight is as easy as a few minutes on this machine, or getting rich is as easy as visualizing, and before you know it, you have giving out your cash and realized soon enough that this is not the answer you were looking for. So what gives? is this all fake? is law of attraction or the self help motivational books nothing but a waster of time? Yes and No: There is a lot o...

Confused Confused, indecisive, procrastinate? Sometimes we just cant make sense of things and because we cant make sense of things we don't take action. Of course, nothing is more important than action but when life overwhelms us with choices, information, chores, sometimes it becomes difficult to look past the immediate and take a birds eye view of the grand perspective. There are many such instances where we can simply not think right, ranging from small everyday things, starnge annoyances, all the way to big life decisions eg 1-Buying a new smart phone? --we can be confused about specs, pricing, plans etc 2-Eating out, where to go?-- what to eat, why to go there? 3-Do my classmates hate me? --why do they laugh at me? why do I have so few friends? 3-Which university to go to? --what will it cost, what will be the return, how far will it be from home? etc etc etc Once we convince ourselves that there is a path forward, we can break through all the clutter and cle...

I believe everyone should read this simple and short blog post of mine before they start university. I am not intending to give 'self help' and 'personal growth' advice over here. There are millions of books and webpages out there. All I want you to do is to look into yourself and hear what you say. That is it. Hear what you say to yourself. Do you tell yourself you will be the next Steve Jobs? do you tell yourself that you will be the best athlete at the school? or do you tell yourself you will out do everyone in the class? whatever it is, good luck and I hope you achieve it but remember that you know exactly how to achieve it. There are no short cuts in life and if you are smart enough to be going to university, you already know this. However like anyone, you may need a reminder. You know how much you have to give to reach your goals, you know who to talk to, you know what is to be done. Do not just dream, follow your inner wise person and do it. You ar...

Well, I am not going to give a solution as to what to do when you are confused and afraid. The idea of writing this blog was not to explain solutions to problem but to show how solutions usually reside within us already. It is we who cannot get out of our internal struggle and make things happen, even when we know the solutions already. We set block up to our growth by imagining an easier, better or simpler solution. By waiting for a magical event or someone out there to help us. If that does not happen, many of us just do into depression and feel victimized. There is nothing worse than feeling victimized. Warriors cannot be victims. We are all warriors after all. How you may ask? well, we may be confused about a future work plan or confused about simple things eg what to eat? or which university to join? All complex decisions [and as frustrating as these moments are], we can always get over these and make a decision. We cannot predict the right outcome, obviously, but we can...

Wish they were different Don't we just wish we could change some of the people around us. We wish for all sorts of things to happen. We wish our kid starts acting like a grown up, or our teacher treats us with a bit less harshness, or that neighbor we thought of saying hello to but looks so mean. Whatever the case, be it your friends, your boss or family, we would certainly like to change one thing or the other. However there is one, smart tool to get the change you want in the people around you. Start treating them as if they were already as you want! Another path to change You see, you do not have to wish for someone to change, you can actually make it happen. Now this does not mean that I am claiming this tool to be the 'end all be all' method of getting the girl of your dreams or tackling your problem teenage, however I think its a clever technique to have in your tool kit or skill set to use when required. You can start treating a subordinate as if they can h...

One of the most prominent problems in society today is that we feel we need more. If you are a businessman, you need to grow the business. If you are an athlete, you need to win the biggest prize, if you are a student, you have to be the best. This is a result of the hyper-competitive, individualistic, achievement oriented civilization that we have become. There is nothing wrong with that in itself.  The system has given us great athletes, scientific breakthroughs, wonderful companies that have gone on to make our lives better, medication that has saved lives and world leaders that aspire to work for the greater good. However it has also created a society that is forever looking for the next big thing. The next technique, the next product, the next investment, the next goal, the next prize. For sure this is what human beings and the growth mindset is, but does it really make us happy? To be happy, we need to convince ourselves that we are great, lovable and worth indiv...

Some times it does get hard to convince oneself of the reality. It gets hard to keep our negative self talk under control or perhaps the loss is so great or the event so emotional, that it makes us question our long held positive beliefs. These are times when people end up at therapy, or get depressed. However there are other ways to manage the most difficult phases in life. As you know, I do not like to give a 'one size fits all solution' to a problem and encourage us to know how to effectively 'convince ourselves' of positive reality, to give ourselves helpful thoughts, in anyway possible, so we can deal with a situation. What I mention below however is not a technique but the most fundamental way of being happy. The best way to remain happy, or to remain positive after a failure, or to remind yourself that your life is still full of love, is to ensure that you have great and loving friends and family around you.  This is the most powerful resource we have as hu...