Convincing Ourselves

The idea of having healthy levels of self-esteem, self-worth, and confidence is well recognized in psychology literature. In fact, since at least the 70s there has been a lot of work done on this and for a few decades raising self-esteem and self-worth was considered pivotal in treating clients with psychological disorders, bringing up healthy children, and even success in general. The idea of 'ego strengthening', as it came to be known in hypnosis literature, was ubiquitous in almost all kinds of therapy and change. However, while going through some videos of Jordan Peterson discussing the idea of social hierarchies and going through some literature on related ideas, I begun to wonder if ego strengthening alone is enough, or perhaps have we defined it well enough. Success in a society means being on top of the social hierarchy. You are the CEO, the Politician, or were born in or married into money and power. Whatever shame or form it takes, success is being on to...

Introduction Influencing the general public is a hotly debated topic in the policy. In any form of government reforms and agendas have to be 'sold' to the public. The government has traditionally been done through information dissemination through the media and done so quite effectively. An example can be of course selling wars or military interventions to the public. When the intent, however, is misinformation on a large scale, it becomes 'propaganda'. Despite its negative connotations, it is surely been present in democracies, as much as in dictatorships. A few years ago we have seen a move towards 'Nudging' individuals also called the Nudge Theory. This was popularized by Book by Cass Sunstein and Richard Thaler in their book ' Nudge: Improving Decisions About Health, Wealth, and Happiness '. An example of this could be the wording on a referendum to discourage a certain outcome or perhaps limiting choices for the consumers on the type o...

Many people go around life aimlessly. Comparing themselves to others, not knowing what the next day, month or year will bring for them. There is a sense of being unfulfilled or unhappy, often resulting in depression in the most extreme form. For most people, the reason is simple. They simply have no goals No goals for their life, no goals for their health, no goals for their profession. Without a set goal and path, we simply lack a direction and a purpose. This not only results in confusion but also anxiety and depression. One of the reasons ‘life coaching’ is so big now is because a lot of the uncertainty and anxiety that people face in everyday life has to do with not unfulfilled goals, but simply not even knowing what they really want. Having goals differentiates purposeful living from living aimlessly. It is perhaps the easiest and quickest key to overcoming paralysis, procrastination, and unhappiness and moving towards success that is personally gratifying. The quest...

Given that its 14th August today (Independence Day of Pakistan), I thought it would be appropriate to make the post about Freedom One of the biggest reasons for depression today is lack of freedom. This can be actual lack of freedom, e.g not having the finances to live on your own, or perceived freedom e.g can't say no to friends. Freedom, the ability to make choices/goals and influence ones own life, is one of the most important needs of humankind. In a traditional hierarchy of needs, I would say it increases in importance throughout the pyramid and supports going up the hierarchy as well. Knowing we can have sex when we want, or eat when we want, provides freedom and enhances capacity to move up the pyramid. Here too, the need for self-actualization is essentially related to self-efficacy i.e the ability to influence one's life. The problem starts when a child feels they cant please their parents no matter how hard they try, or when an employee feels he can't ge...

Stress and Anxiety can put us in the extreme state of ‘fight or flight’ which prepares our body for short bursts of high intensity. However, the body undergoes considerable stress and therefore requires a counter state to balance and heal the body and the mind.   According to the book ‘Relaxation Response’ by the Harvard physician Herbert Benson, we can help our body relax and take it into a ‘rest and digest’ state. This helps the body and the mind manage stress. This essentially is the principal of most forms of meditation as well as prayer. One of the simplest ways to initiate a ‘Relaxation Response’ is simply to focus on one's breath for a prolonged period of time. As the mind wanders, one brings it back. For me, I can categorically feel when my body’s relaxation response is triggered. Regularly triggering a relaxation response can help overcome most of the scars caused by day to day stress and therefore help us become happier and more productive. Umair Usman ...

We daily encounter situations which are uncomfortable. It can be talking to a boss, going into a meeting and for some even getting up to take a walk. Whatever the case, anxiety provoking events are common and everywhere. For severe cases of anxiety or panic, which may be due to some form of trauma or even a deeper mental health issue, I would recommend seeing a professional, however for everyday life, there are many techniques that one can use and one of them is 'nudging' We we need it: Many situations in life make us question ourselves i.e our self concept as well as our abilities. Going into a meeting a young graduate may think that they dont belong there or they cannot contribute enough. Similarly a new CEO may wonder if they have what it takes or even if they are meant to run a company. Such self doubt is common and is often accompanied by even questioning ones role or position in particular situation. However often these are situations one can either not avoid, or p...

The Scam: Ah, law of attraction and other similar self help scams. So common now on the internet and the self help section of any book store. They have tonnes of money by playing on people's emotions. Tell people its easy and they will buy it! This is the same trick used by fitness product promoters and TV commercials and it has worked well for decades. As soon as you find out that this is not the 'answer to everything', you start seeking the next 'quick or easy fix''. Its a dirty trick and plays on our search for easy answers, the magic pills, and the easy answers. They say losing weight is as easy as a few minutes on this machine, or getting rich is as easy as visualizing, and before you know it, you have giving out your cash and realized soon enough that this is not the answer you were looking for. So what gives? is this all fake? is law of attraction or the self help motivational books nothing but a waster of time? Yes and No: There is a lot o...

Perfectionism is great, but when it becomes an obsession it can ruin your life.I have an obsessive personality and I get phases of perfectionism that transform into something similar to OCD and they ruin me. I burn out while studying, I burn out while exercising, hell I even burn out at work. Perfection is bad but there is more to it than just that. The Good kind: Perfectionism, the need to be perfect, the need to be better every time, the need to out do oneself is great. Its the engine of human and societal growth. This passion to be better and be right and grow, has taken the world from the stone ages to today. It is this perfectionism that has provided passion to artists, scientists, businessmen to do great things. It is this perfectionism that has made a mother great at parenting or a coach help their student. Perfectionism in and of itself is definitely great! The Bad kind: However perfectionism, the need to be perfect, every single time, to be better than before, to push ...

Confused Confused, indecisive, procrastinate? Sometimes we just cant make sense of things and because we cant make sense of things we don't take action. Of course, nothing is more important than action but when life overwhelms us with choices, information, chores, sometimes it becomes difficult to look past the immediate and take a birds eye view of the grand perspective. There are many such instances where we can simply not think right, ranging from small everyday things, starnge annoyances, all the way to big life decisions eg 1-Buying a new smart phone? --we can be confused about specs, pricing, plans etc 2-Eating out, where to go?-- what to eat, why to go there? 3-Do my classmates hate me? --why do they laugh at me? why do I have so few friends? 3-Which university to go to? --what will it cost, what will be the return, how far will it be from home? etc etc etc Once we convince ourselves that there is a path forward, we can break through all the clutter and cle...

I believe everyone should read this simple and short blog post of mine before they start university. I am not intending to give 'self help' and 'personal growth' advice over here. There are millions of books and webpages out there. All I want you to do is to look into yourself and hear what you say. That is it. Hear what you say to yourself. Do you tell yourself you will be the next Steve Jobs? do you tell yourself that you will be the best athlete at the school? or do you tell yourself you will out do everyone in the class? whatever it is, good luck and I hope you achieve it but remember that you know exactly how to achieve it. There are no short cuts in life and if you are smart enough to be going to university, you already know this. However like anyone, you may need a reminder. You know how much you have to give to reach your goals, you know who to talk to, you know what is to be done. Do not just dream, follow your inner wise person and do it. You ar...

Well, I am not going to give a solution as to what to do when you are confused and afraid. The idea of writing this blog was not to explain solutions to problem but to show how solutions usually reside within us already. It is we who cannot get out of our internal struggle and make things happen, even when we know the solutions already. We set block up to our growth by imagining an easier, better or simpler solution. By waiting for a magical event or someone out there to help us. If that does not happen, many of us just do into depression and feel victimized. There is nothing worse than feeling victimized. Warriors cannot be victims. We are all warriors after all. How you may ask? well, we may be confused about a future work plan or confused about simple things eg what to eat? or which university to join? All complex decisions [and as frustrating as these moments are], we can always get over these and make a decision. We cannot predict the right outcome, obviously, but we can...

Wish they were different Don't we just wish we could change some of the people around us. We wish for all sorts of things to happen. We wish our kid starts acting like a grown up, or our teacher treats us with a bit less harshness, or that neighbor we thought of saying hello to but looks so mean. Whatever the case, be it your friends, your boss or family, we would certainly like to change one thing or the other. However there is one, smart tool to get the change you want in the people around you. Start treating them as if they were already as you want! Another path to change You see, you do not have to wish for someone to change, you can actually make it happen. Now this does not mean that I am claiming this tool to be the 'end all be all' method of getting the girl of your dreams or tackling your problem teenage, however I think its a clever technique to have in your tool kit or skill set to use when required. You can start treating a subordinate as if they can h...

One of the reason why many flock to therapists, read self help books or go into depression is because they cannot get what they want or life simply did not turn out as they had hoped. They prayed, meditated, wished, kept a positive attitude, yet nothing materialized. Very often, we expect life to be easy and reflect our own mood. However, every now and then we have to remind ourselves and convince ourselves that life is not meant to be easy. Life is pain, struggle and discomfort, punctuated by moments of happiness and euphoria that make it all worthwhile. Life is about great relationships, with people who matter and yourself. Life is constant discomfort, be it tackling your willpower, going to the gym, having a difficult conversation or realizing a bitter truth. This is life and there is no need to run away. We have to convince ourselves that we have the capacity, strength, resources and the power to deal with life in the best way possible. We all have the ability to go through ...

Everyone truly knows the path to money, health and wealth. There is no secret to it. People have known how to achieve these things since the dawn of time, yet the reason why so many people are searching for the answer is that they are searching for the 'easy answer'. Everyone is truly out there looking for the shortcut to success, fame, wealth, fitness, weight goals, achievements etc. There truly are people who  get lucky and there truly are ways that can get you to your goals quicker, however the underlying principle is hard work, patience and a general positive attitude. We have convinced ourselves that there is a short cut and it is somewhere out there. We look for that short cut all our lives, waste years and years looking for it until others, who go through the pain, the hard work and at the same time, have fun, seem to get all the rewards, slowly but surely, beating us to the goal post, over and over again. Let us look into different areas of life separately and see...

I started this blog to convey my thoughts on getting through the struggle of everyday life, the challenges, opportunities and the threats that it throws at us. The life becomes simple, yet not easy, when one understands a basic truth ie we must live life, the way it is, good or bad, and deal with it. We can always pursue a better life, more money and try to improve our current conditions, but we can simply not say that 'we do not want life'. We simply cannot 'deny that we have a problem', we simply cannot look the other way when we are afraid to make a leap. Life is life, and things happen and we have to learn to be able to deal with the good, the bad and everything in between. As we go on this journey together, I will document my thoughts on how to go through the emotional, psychical, psychological and spiritual issues that everyone faces. I do not follow a self help program or a new age thought philosophy that I want others to believe in. I also do not believe ...