Freedom (Part 2)

This is part 2 of the Freedom series. Find part 1 here

It is interesting how we often make decisions. Not only everyday decisions, such as what to wear or what to eat but even big life decisions. We analyze, study the pros and cons, do a cost-benefit analysis. Some take a long time to make important decisions, others intuitively move forward. During all of these decisions, we often believe that we are in charge of what we decide. After all, we have options, we have choices, what can be more freeing than making your decision?

The problem is what we make those choices based on. There can be a number of factors dictating that. Long term plan, upbringing, values, and beliefs. However, in all of the cognitive and behavioral conditioning that might be obvious to us, we often forget the social aspect. I am not talking about social conditioning where we learn beliefs like religion and family values, but the fear of not fitting in.

What will they say? What will they think? These are the kind of questions that might pop up, sometimes consciously and very often subconsciously.

This is not social conditioning, this is social conformity. This is not freedom.

Granted it is more obvious and apparent in Eastern cultures where ‘tribal’ values hold truer. However, in my experience, the only real difference between the East and the West is that roughly speaking in the Eastern/tribal cultures, the thoughts are conscious and in Western/individualist cultures they aren't so much. The ‘society’ and the ‘shame’ can differ among individuals.

Generally, such thinking can manifest itself in various ways. It can be the fear of not fitting in among immediate peers, looking like a failure among friends or perhaps not living up to your parent's standards even though they have passed away years ago (often resulting in guilt).

You can know if you are a making a decision yourself or based on a fear of not fitting in by asking yourself such questions as :

-Am I thinking about what others will say if I do this?

-Am I thinking of feeling shame if I do what I want to do?

-Am I thinking about how doing this will make me look?

We must never make decisions on what others will say. The right decisions are always absent of fear of shame and guilt; the right decisions are always for ourselves. This is freedom.

Umair Usman is a Rapid Transformational Therapist, a businessperson, and a writer. You can know more about him here ​